Do You Feel Unheard in Your Marriage or Relationship?

Feeling unheard in your relationship is one of the most isolating and frustrating experiences that couples face. When your partner seems to dismiss your feelings, ignore your concerns, or simply doesn't respond when you are reaching out, it can leave you questioning the foundation of your relationship. This pattern affects many relationships, and there are concrete steps you can take to rebuild connection and communication.

Professional couples therapy can help rebuild communication & emotional connection

Understanding Why You Feel Unheard

Before addressing the solution, it is important to understand what's happening when you feel unheard. Research shows that couples often fall into patterns where partners fail to respond effectively to each other's bids for emotional connection (Navarra & Gottman, 2011). When these attempts at connection are consistently ignored or dismissed, it creates emotional distance and resentment in the relationship.

Sometimes feeling unheard stems from communication patterns where partners are talking past each other, rather than truly listening. Other times, it reflects the deeper issues around attachment styles and how we learnt to express needs in our families of origin. Mardani et al. (2021) found that individuals with certain attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, may struggle more with feeling that their emotional needs are met in relationships.

Recognize the Difference Between Hearing and Listening

One of the most common reasons people feel unheard is that their partner is hearing their words, but not truly listening to their partner's underlying emotions and needs.

True listening involves:

• Full attention: Putting away distractions and focusing entirely on your partner

• Emotional understanding: Trying to grasp not just what they are saying, but how they are feeling

• Validation: Acknowledging their perspective, even if you disagree

• Response: Showing that you heard them through your words and actions

When partners only 'hear' the surface level of what is being said without connecting to the deeper emotional message, it leaves the speaker feeling dismissed and unimportant.

The difference between truly listening to your partner vs. hearing

What Couples Can Do To Improve Communication

1. Examine Your Communication Style

Start by honestly assessing how you have been expressing your needs. Are you:

• Being specific about what you need rather than expecting your partner to guess?

• Choosing appropriate times for important conversations?

• Focusing on your feelings rather than attacking your partner's character?

• Speaking clearly and directly rather than using hints or passive-aggressive comments?

I have heard of couples thinking that they've talked about certain issues countless times but after listening to them, we realise that they each have been focusing on different things (similar to the Chinese idiom 鸡同鸭讲 "a chicken speaking to a duck"). They weren't being specific and before they could hash it out, emotions rose and led to more arguments.

2. Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Accusations

Instead of saying "You never listen to me" or "You don't care about my feelings," try:

• "I feel disconnected when I share something important to me and don't get a response"

• "I need to feel heard when I'm talking about my day"

• "I'm feeling lonely in our relationship and I want us to talk more"

This approach reduces defensiveness and opens up space for genuine dialogue. Many times I've seen couples that jump to accusations when they are hurt and I find that "I" statements allows them to be vulnerable. It allows their partner to then acknowledge that they are being vulnerable and mirror that back to them, which opens up a new dimension where things are softer and both partners are being present.

3. Ask for What You Need Specifically

Rather than hoping your partner will intuitively know what you need, be direct:

• "I need 10 minutes to share how my day went. Can we sit together without distractions?"

• "When I tell you about a problem, I am not looking for solutions. I just need you to listen and understand"

• "It would mean a lot to me if you could put your phone away while we are talking"

4. Create Rituals of Connection

Research on successful couples shows that those who maintain emotional connection have regular rituals for staying updated on each other's inner world (Navarra & Gottman, 2011). This might include:

• Daily check-ins about how each person is feeling

• Regular date nights focused on conversation rather than activities

• Bedtime routines that include sharing appreciations or concerns

5. Address the Pattern, Not Just the Content

When you do feel unheard, focus on the communication pattern rather than just the specific topic. You might say: "I noticed that when I try to share something important with you, you often check your phone or change the subject. Can we talk about how to make our conversations feel more connected?"

Why do we need to feel heard in relationships?

When the Problem Runs Deeper

Sometimes feeling unheard reflects more complex dynamics in the relationship. Research shows that negative communication patterns like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can severely damage a couple's ability to feel emotionally connected with each other (Mardani et al., 2021). If these patterns are present, they need to be addressed directly.

Additionally, if feeling unheard is connected to past trauma or attachment injuries, individual therapy might be beneficial alongside couples work. Sometimes, our reactions to feeling dismissed are heightened by experiences from childhood or previous relationships.

What to Do When Your Partner Won't Engage

If you have tried these approaches and your partner continues to dismiss your attempts at connection:

1. Have a conversation about the communication pattern itself

2. Set clear boundaries about what kind of treatment you will and won't accept in your relationship

3. Consider couples therapy to help facilitate better communication

4. Take care of your own emotional needs through friendships, hobbies, and self-care

5. Evaluate whether this is a pattern you can accept from your partner long-term

In Singapore's hectic, work and achievement-oriented culture, it is particularly easy for couples to get caught up in external work demands and lose connection with each other.

Making relationship communication a priority requires intentional effort and often going against cultural messages that prioritize work and family obligations over couple time.

When to Seek Professional Help for Your Relationship?

You can consider working things out in couples therapy if:

• These patterns have been present for months or years

• You have tried multiple approaches without success

• Arguments escalate quickly into criticism or personal attacks

• One or both partners are considering ending the relationship

• There are underlying issues like depression, addiction, or trauma affecting communication

A couples therapist can help identify specific communication breakdowns and provide tools tailored to your relationship dynamics.

Moving Forward

Feeling unheard in your relationship is painful, but it is not necessarily a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail. Many couples struggle with this issue, and with commitment from both partners, it is possible to rebuild emotional connection and communication.

If you have tried these strategies and are still struggling with feeling unheard in your relationship, professional support can provide the guidance and tools necessary to rebuild emotional intimacy and effective communication. I draw from evidence-based methods such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy to help couples develop effective communication skills and make meaningful progress.

As an LGBTQ+ affirming couples therapist located in East Singapore, I am committed to providing affordable and high-quality mental health support for all clients, regardless of background or identity. Contact me today to discuss how we can work together to support your relationship well-being with a schedule that works for you.

Stella Ong is a clinical member and registered counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling, registration number (C0940). Click here for more information on Stella Ong.

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References

Mardani, M., Marashi, S. A., & Abbaspour, Z. (2021). On the causal relationship between attachment styles and marital satisfaction: Mediating role of Gottman's marital communication model. IJ Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 15(2), 1-8. https://doi.org/10.5812/ijpbs.108339

Navarra, R. J., & Gottman, J. M. (2011). Gottman method couple therapy: From theory to practice. In D. K. Carson & M. Casado-Kehoe (Eds.), Case studies in couples therapy: Theory-based approaches (pp. 427-441). Taylor & Francis Group.