Questioning Your Sexuality/LGBTQ Identity?
- Stella Ong
- Oct 19
- 8 min read
Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human identity, yet for many people, understanding their sexual orientation can be complex or confusing, maybe even something scary that they shelf away. Some might notice unexpected attractions that don’t align with the sexual orientation they have always identified. Others find themselves unsure or questioning for years without clear answers, if what they are experiencing means they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or something else entirely. This exploration or “questioning” is more common than many realize.
As an LGBTQ-affirming counsellor, I work with clients across all stages of this exploration. Let’s take a look into what the questioning process involves and how professional support can facilitate self-understanding, particularly within Singapore’s cultural context where conversations about sexuality often remain private.
Is It Normal to Feel Confused About Your Sexuality?
Yes, absolutely. Sexuality isn’t always as straightforward as we are taught to believe. People may experience attraction differently at different life stages, and feelings do not always fit neatly into the familiar categories we know about. While some individuals have known about their identity from a young age, others may only begin to question or explore it later in adulthood.
In our local context, where discussions about sexuality can often be hushed or limited, feelings of confusion are even more common. You might lack role models or open conversations that could help you understand your feelings. Many clients tell me they spent years wondering, “Why do I feel this way?” or “What is wrong with me?” without realizing that questioning is actually part of understanding yourself.
The process of understanding one’s sexuality can impact mental health, as confusion or suppressing feelings may contribute to increased anxiety and depression. This is why having a safe space to explore these feelings matters so much.
What Does “Questioning My Sexuality” Actually Mean?
Questioning means a person is exploring their sexual orientation or gender identity, without necessarily having a clear answer yet. They might be:
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Some people question briefly and find clarity quickly, while others might take months or years to understand themselves. There is no timeline you need to follow, and you don't owe anyone a definitive answer.
Understanding Sexuality: What It Really Means
Sexuality involves multiple dimensions of human experience. From a psychological perspective, it includes emotional, romantic and physical attraction patterns, as well as how you experience desire and form intimate relationships. All these interact in complex ways that shape your unique sexual identity.
Sexual orientation (straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or others) describes who you are typically attracted to, i.e. your consistent patterns in attraction. Rather than fixed categories, sexuality exists on a spectrum: some people are only attracted to one gender, while others feel varying degrees of attraction to different genders. Your attractions might even shift over time, and it is a normal variation in human sexuality.
Furthermore, it is important to differentiate between sexual orientation and gender identity. Sexual orientation relates to attraction patterns toward others, while gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of being male, female, both, neither, or another gender entirely. These are separate aspects of who you are, though they can influence each other.
What Does This Mean for You?
If you are questioning, you might be wondering what discovering your sexuality means for your life. Understanding your sexuality doesn't predetermine your future, it gives you information about yourself that you can use to make choices aligned with your authentic self.
Some people discover they are LGBTQ+ and feel relief at finally understanding themselves. Others realize they are straight but needed to explore to be certain. Some find that existing labels don’t quite fit and create their own understanding. All of these outcomes are equally valid.
Understanding your sexuality is about self-knowledge, not about meeting anyone else’s expectations, not society’s pressure to be straight, and also not anyone’s pressure for you to decide or claim a label before you feel ready.
Is Being Curious About Same-Gender Attraction A Sign That You’re Gay?
In therapy, many clients ask: “If I am even thinking about this, does that automatically mean I’m gay?” The answer is no. Curiosity alone does not determine your sexuality. Human beings are naturally curious, and it is normal to wonder about different experiences and possibilities.
However, persistent thoughts and feelings deserve exploration. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to the same gender, having recurring romantic or sexual dreams, feeling envious of same-gender couples, or feeling like your heterosexuality is performative rather than authentic, these patterns should prompt self-reflection.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself
When exploring your sexuality, it helps to set aside social expectations, family pressures, and cultural norms—though this is easier said than done. Research on young people's experiences with sexuality education found that past experiences and assumptions about "normal" often constrain how we imagine ourselves differently (Coll et al., 2017). Here are three meaningful questions to sit with privately:
How do you feel when you imagine yourself identifying as straight vs. when you imagine identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual or pansexual?
Do you notice feelings of longing or curiosity when you see other opposite- or same-gender couples?
When you picture yourself truly happy in five years, what kind of relationship are you in?
These questions don't need to have immediate answers. They are meant to help you notice patterns in your feelings over time. Consider journaling about them or exploring them in therapy where you can be completely honest without judgment.
Can Therapy Help If You Are Unsure?
Therapy provides a confidential, non-judgmental space to explore your feelings without pressure to label yourself or come to immediate conclusions. Here's what the process typically looks like:
Creating Safety First: We establish that there's no "right" outcome. You won't be pushed to identify any particular way. Whether you discover you're LGBTQ+ or realize you're straight, your journey is valid.
Exploring Without Judgment: We discuss your experiences, attractions, and feelings without assuming what they mean. You might explore questions like: What draws you to certain people? How do different attractions feel? What fears come up when you imagine different possibilities?
Understanding Your Context: We consider how family expectations, cultural background, and religious beliefs might be influencing your confusion. In Asian families, the pressure to conform can make it harder to even acknowledge certain feelings to yourself. Research confirms that caregivers who struggle with accepting their LGBTQ+ children often experience higher anxiety and depression themselves, while those who are more accepting report better mental health outcomes (Martin et al., 2025). This parallel experience shows how family acceptance affects everyone's wellbeing.
Processing Emotions: Questioning often brings up anxiety, guilt, shame, or fear. We work through these emotions so they don't cloud your self-understanding. When individuals have support to process these complex emotions, they experience better mental health outcomes regardless of how they ultimately identify.
Moving at Your Pace: Some clients want to actively explore; others need time to sit with uncertainty. Therapy follows your comfort level. As sexuality education researchers have noted, meaningful exploration requires that voices need not only be heard, but also engaged, reconciled, and argued with (Hargreaves, 1996, as cited in Coll et al., 2017). Therapy provides this space for deeper engagement with your own thoughts and feelings.
What If I’m Afraid of What I Might Discover?
This fear is incredibly common and completely understandable. You might worry about:
Disappointing your family
Losing friends or community
Making life harder for yourself
Environment posing danger to you
Changes to your current relationship
Being ostracized or fired from your job
What this means for your future
In therapy, we don't rush toward answers. Instead, we create space to acknowledge these fears while separating them from your authentic feelings. Many clients find that simply voicing these worries to someone who understands reduces their power.
Research shows that families from traditional cultural backgrounds face unique stresses around accepting LGBTQ+ children, particularly regarding gender roles, family lineage expectations, and religious beliefs (Martin et al., 2025). However, studies also show that many Asian families eventually find ways to reconcile their cultural values with love for their child, reframing acceptance as protecting family unity.
Remember, understanding yourself better doesn't obligate you to act on that knowledge in any particular way. You remain in control of what you share with others and how you choose to live.
Do I Have to Label Myself?
You don’t need to. While some people find labels helpful for understanding themselves and finding community, others find them limiting or anxiety-provoking. Therapy can help you figure out what works for you. You might:
Find a label that feels right for you
Use different labels in different contexts
Prefer umbrella terms like queer or fluid
Choose not to label yourself at all
Your understanding of yourself is what matters most, not fitting into predetermined categories.
Will Everything Change If I Realize I’m LGBTQ+?
Discovering you are LGBTQ+ doesn’t mean your entire life must change overnight. Many people in Singapore navigate being LGBTQ in ways that work for their specific situation. Some are out everywhere, others only to close friends, and some focus on living authentically without formal coming-out conversations.
Therapy helps you explore what feels right for your circumstances, considering your family dynamics, workplace, and personal values. When family members develop awareness about the discrimination LGBTQ+ people face and channel protective instincts into advocacy, they often experience improved relationships and mental health (Martin et al., 2025). There is no one ‘correct’ way to be LGBTQ+ in Singapore.
Counselling and Therapy Services for Exploring Sexuality
If you are questioning your sexuality, you don't have to figure it out alone. Seeking therapy isn't admitting something is wrong, it is choosing to understand yourself better with professional support. You deserve a space where all parts of you are welcome, where confusion is met with patience, and where your journey of self-discovery is honoured.
Whether you are just beginning to question or have been uncertain for years, therapy can provide the clarity and peace you are seeking. Your authentic self is worth understanding, whatever that truth might be.
Are You Ready to Start Therapy?
If you recognized signs that professional support could be helpful, I offer flexible scheduling options and draw from evidence-based methods such as CBT, ACT, CTRT, and GMCT to help you develop effective coping skills and make meaningful progress.
As an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist located in East Singapore, I am committed to providing affordable and high-quality mental health support for all clients, regardless of background or identity.
Contact me today to discuss how we can work together to support your mental well-being with a schedule that works for you.
Stella Ong is a clinical member and registered counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling, registration number (C0940). Click here for more information on Stella Ong.
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References
Coll, L., O'Sullivan, M., & Enright, E. (2017). 'The trouble with normal': (Re)imagining sexuality education with young people. Sex Education, 17(2), 1-13. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2017.1410699
Martin, J. A., Barrita, A. M., & Abreu, R. L. (2025). Social justice awareness and action and ethnoracial identity moderates caregiver acceptance and mental health in BIPOC caregivers of LGBTQ youth: Implications for family therapy interventions. Translational Issues in Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1037/tps0000462
