Healthy Relationships Aren’t Rupture-Free
- Stella Ong
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, "Maybe we are just not right for each other"?
Most of us carry an idea, often unspoken, that a good relationship shouldn't feel this hard. That if you were truly compatible, you won't say the wrong thing, won't be dismissive, won't hurt each other the way you sometimes do. So when conflict happens, it can feel like evidence of something being broken in the relationship.
This belief isn't just unhelpful, but it also gets in the way of the very thing that holds relationships together.
The myth of the conflict-free relationship
Research on couples tells us something that contradicts what most people assume: healthy couples don't fight less, they repair better. A question that couples should ask each other is, "How do we repair our relationship after a fight?"
Repair attempts, defined as any effort to prevent negativity from escalating out of control, are one of the primary factors in whether a relationship flourishes or falters (Gottman, 2015). Couples who stay together are not conflict-free; they are simply more skilled at coming back from rupture.
Rupture is a normal part of any close relationship. Two people with different histories, needs, and ways of seeing the world will inevitably misread each other, react poorly under stress and sometimes say things they don't mean. And this is not incompatibility — it is being human.
What relationship repair actually looks like
Repair attempts don't have to be big or grand gestures. In practice, repair looks like noticing you were harsh and saying so, even if the conversation has already moved on.
Coming back after a fight with "I think I missed what you were really trying to tell me." Taking responsibility for your part without waiting for them to go first. Reaching out with a touch, a look, or a small act of care when words feel too hard. Accepting a repair attempt even when you're still hurt.
That last one matters more than people realise. Repair is a two-part process: someone has to offer it, and someone has to receive it. Both require a willingness that isn't always easy when you are still in the thick of feeling wounded.
When relationship repair attempts fail
Not all repair attempts land, even when they are genuine. Gottman (2015) identified four communication patterns that tend to block repair — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — collectively termed the Four Horsemen. When these patterns dominate couple interactions, repair attempts are more likely to fail, and both marital adjustment and intimacy tend to deteriorate (Davoodvandi et al., 2018).
Of these, contempt is the most corrosive as it communicates not just frustration but a fundamental lack of respect to their partners. Stonewalling, on the other hand, is often a sign of physiological overwhelm rather than indifference. In these moments, the most useful repair isn't words, but about agreeing to pause, regulate and return to the conversation when both people are calmer often does more.
Understanding why repair fails is not about assigning blame, but recognising what gets in the way so you can work with it rather than around it.
What is Gottman Couples Therapy?
Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach developed by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman, drawing on over four decades of research into what makes relationships succeed or break down. It is structured around the Sound Relationship House — a model that addresses the full architecture of a relationship, from friendship and emotional intimacy through to conflict management and shared meaning.
Rather than focusing solely on communication techniques, the Gottman Method works to strengthen the underlying friendship between partners, which research shows is the foundation that makes repair possible in the first place. Couples are helped to understand their patterns, reduce the impact of the Four Horsemen, and build a relationship that is more resilient: not by eliminating conflict, but by developing the skills to navigate it without lasting damage.
Why this matters
Every couple will rupture. Couple spats are inevitable, but a key difference in successful repair attempts are whether there are skills and willingness to come back from it. Research has found that structured couples therapy grounded in the Gottman approach leads to meaningful improvements in both marital adjustment and intimacy, with effects that hold over time (Davoodvandi et al., 2018).
The couples who last aren't the ones who never hurt each other. They are the ones who keep choosing to come back.
Moving forward
If your relationship is going through a difficult period, couples therapy can help you and your partner develop the skills to communicate more effectively and repair more consistently.
At LightingWay Counselling & Therapy, we use the Gottman Method Couples Therapy alongside other evidence-based approaches to support couples in building stronger, more connected relationships. Our clinic is located on the East side of Singapore, with flexible scheduling to fit your lifestyle, including weekends. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.
Stella Ong is a clinical member and registered counsellor with the Singapore Association for Counselling, registration number (C0940). Click here for more information on Stella Ong.
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References
Davoodvandi, M., Navabi Nejad, S., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the effectiveness of Gottman couple therapy on improving marital adjustment and couples’ intimacy. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 13(2), 135–141. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6037577/
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
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